How to Set Boundaries as a Young Adult (Without Feeling Guilty)
Setting boundaries as a young adult can feel especially hard when guilt, people-pleasing, or fear of disappointing others gets in the way.
Even when boundaries are clearly needed, knowing how to set them without feeling selfish, harsh, or overwhelmed afterward isn’t always easy.
Boundaries play an important role in young adulthood, shaping relationships, work, and a sense of self. Understanding why boundaries feel difficult, what healthy boundaries actually look like, and how to hold them without guilt can make it easier to approach boundary-setting with more clarity and confidence. Therapy—including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)—can also help strengthen boundaries by addressing the patterns and beliefs that make them hard to maintain.
Table of Contents
Boundaries in Young Adulthood
Why Boundaries Feel Hard
Guilt and People-Pleasing
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Using EMDR to Strengthen Boundaries
Getting Support With Boundary Work
Boundaries in Young Adulthood
Young adulthood often comes with a lot of change. Relationships shift, independence grows, and expectations—both from others and from within—can start to feel heavier. During this stage of life, boundaries play an important role in helping things feel more manageable and grounded.
Boundaries help create clarity around time, energy, and emotional space. They support healthier relationships and can ease the sense of overwhelm that often comes from trying to meet everyone’s needs at once. Without clear boundaries, it’s common to feel stretched thin, resentful, or unsure of where personal limits even are.
For many people, young adulthood is the first time boundaries are being actively learned rather than simply followed. Family dynamics, friendships, romantic relationships, and work environments may all require new limits—often without much guidance on how to set them. That learning curve can feel uncomfortable, and that’s a very normal part of this stage of life.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away or being rigid. They’re about creating relationships that feel more honest, balanced, and sustainable—especially during a time when so much is still taking shape.
Why Boundaries Feel Hard
Even when boundaries make sense logically, putting them into practice can feel uncomfortable or emotionally charged. Many young adults weren’t explicitly taught how to set limits—they learned instead to adapt, accommodate, or keep the peace. When boundaries haven’t been modeled, it’s common to question whether setting one is even allowed.
Boundaries can also bring up fears about how others will respond. Worry about disappointing someone, being misunderstood, or creating conflict often shows up before a boundary is even spoken. In those moments, it can feel safer to stay quiet or overextend rather than risk tension or disconnection.
For some, boundaries touch deeper beliefs about worth, responsibility, or being “too much.” Saying no, asking for space, or naming a need can stir up self-doubt or anxiety, especially if past experiences taught that needs were inconvenient or ignored. Because of this, boundary-setting isn’t just a practical skill—it’s an emotional one. The difficulty usually isn’t about knowing what boundary is needed, but about managing what comes up internally when trying to hold it.
Guilt and People-Pleasing
Guilt often shows up right where boundaries matter most. Even when a limit feels reasonable, there can be an internal pull to keep things smooth, avoid tension, or protect other people’s feelings. People-pleasing often develops as a way to stay connected or prevent conflict, not because someone lacks boundaries altogether.
For many young adults, being accommodating or agreeable was learned early on. Over time, that can turn into a pattern of saying yes automatically, minimizing personal needs, or pushing through discomfort to keep others comfortable. When a boundary interrupts that pattern, guilt can surface quickly—even if the boundary itself is healthy.
That guilt doesn’t always feel logical. It might show up as the urge to explain, soften, or undo what was just said. Sometimes it appears in the body before it turns into words. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean a boundary is wrong; more often, it signals that an old habit is being challenged. Recognizing this can make it easier to stay grounded and follow through without second-guessing.
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
Boundaries don’t have to come with ultimatums, cold tones, or emotional distance. Some of the most effective boundaries are clear, calm, and consistent. The goal isn’t to push people away—it’s to communicate limits in a way that protects emotional well-being while still leaving room for connection.
Healthy boundaries are often simple and direct. Using “I” statements, staying grounded, and following through gently can help boundaries land without sounding harsh or defensive. For example:
→ “I need some downtime tonight, but I’d love to catch up tomorrow.” (time/energy)
→ “That doesn’t work for me.” (limit/preference)
→ “I’m going to pass on this.” (choice/decision)
Letting go of over-explaining or apologizing can feel uncomfortable at first, especially when guilt is present. But learning to state limits clearly and stand by them often leads to more respect, not less—and helps relationships feel more balanced over time.
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Setting a boundary doesn’t always bring immediate relief. Often, the discomfort comes later—after the moment has passed and the mind starts replaying what was said or wondering how it was received.
That after-the-fact guilt is usually less about the boundary itself and more about old expectations around being agreeable, helpful, or emotionally responsible for others. When those expectations are challenged, unease can surface even when the boundary was reasonable. Rather than trying to eliminate guilt, it can be more helpful to notice how it behaves. Guilt often pushes toward explaining, justifying, or undoing a boundary. Learning to pause instead of responding to that urge allows the boundary to settle.
Over time, boundaries become easier to hold—not because guilt disappears entirely, but because it loses its authority. Each time a limit is set and respected internally, confidence grows, and the emotional reaction softens.
Using EMDR to Strengthen Boundaries
For many people, boundary challenges aren’t just about communication—they’re tied to earlier experiences where needs weren’t welcomed, respected, or felt safe to express. Even when someone understands boundaries intellectually, their body may still react with anxiety, guilt, or fear when a limit is set. This is where EMDR therapy can be especially supportive.
EMDR works by helping the nervous system process experiences that shaped beliefs like “I’m responsible for other people’s feelings,” “I’ll be rejected if I say no,” or “I have to keep the peace.” When these beliefs are rooted in past moments rather than present reality, boundaries can feel emotionally charged even when they’re reasonable.
Through EMDR, those earlier experiences can be reprocessed so they hold less power in the present. As that happens, boundaries often begin to feel less threatening and more natural. Instead of needing to push through guilt or anxiety, limits can come from a steadier place—one that feels aligned rather than reactive.
Strengthening boundaries through EMDR isn’t about rehearsing what to say. It’s about changing how it feels internally to say it. Over time, this can support boundaries that are clearer, calmer, and easier to maintain—especially in relationships where old patterns tend to resurface.
Getting Support With Boundary Work
Learning to set boundaries is rarely a one-time decision. It’s something that unfolds over time, often in small moments where old patterns show up and new choices are practiced. Having support can make that process feel less isolating and more sustainable.
Therapy can offer a space to slow things down, notice what comes up internally, and better understand why certain boundaries feel harder to hold than others. It can also help untangle guilt, fear, or self-doubt when setting limits brings up strong reactions—especially in close relationships. Boundary work doesn’t require perfection. It’s about building awareness, practicing consistency, and learning to trust internal signals. With the right support, boundaries can begin to feel less like something to push through and more like something that naturally protects well-being and connection.
Until next time, don’t forget to take care of yourself.
— Catherine Alvarado, LMFT
About the Author
Catherine Alvarado, LMFT 134744, is an EMDRIA Certified Therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant based in Redondo Beach, California, offering individual therapy to teens and adults through South Bay Psychotherapy & EMDR. She also co-owns Eunoia Wellness Studio, a collaborative space in Redondo Beach created to support holistic care. Her work attends to the thinking mind alongside emotional and bodily experience, with attention to how stress and life experiences are carried in the nervous system.
Catherine specializes in EMDR therapy and works with individuals navigating anxiety, panic, trauma, and patterns that feel difficult to shift, even with insight. EMDR is one part of a broader approach that helps connect past experiences with what shows up in the present, supporting greater ease, safety, and self-trust over time.
Her work is relational and reflective, often blending EMDR with somatic awareness and gentle exploration of inner experience. Therapy is approached as a space to slow things down, get curious, and build a more steady, trusting relationship with oneself.
She practices in Redondo Beach and offers both in-person and online therapy.
